Trust. Trust has always been a hard thing for me. I have two major problems when it comes to trusting someone: 1. I trust too easily. I feel like anyone can be trusted until they’ve proven me untrustworthy. Usually it’s the other way around for people, people have to gain trust. As for me, I believe in genuine people. And honestly, I haven’t come across many people I can truly call ‘genuine’, but I’d like to give someone a chance before judging them.
And 2. Once someone loses my trust, I have a hard time trusting them ever again. I hold grudges too long. I know it’s not a good thing, but for as many times as I’ve been hurt in the past, I’m just really careful about my emotions.
Putting your emotions in another person’s hands in like trusting someone with your life. They have the ability to make you or break you at that point and all you can do is sit back and wait. Unfortunately, I’m one of those hopeless romantics that give her heart out like candy, expecting someone to treat it with the respect I deserve. Lately, I’ve been torn between what’s best for me and what I want. I want so bad to be with him and for everything to work out, but I know that falling asleep and waking up knowing that once I see him, I’ll feel heartbroken all over again isn’t what I need. I never really felt an actual heartbreak until recently. It’s as if there’s a huge weight on my chest and it’s hard to breathe.And honestly, I don't think it's healthy to feel that way everyday. I guess I'm just growing up too fast. I'm so ready to fall in love and to be loved in return with the same extent. I'm always the one hearing 'You're putting in more than I'm ready to give'. It truly hurts hearing that, but it's my own fault. I'm just ready to settle down. I know what you're thinking, 'Ready to settle down at 19?!', but I've done a lot of growing up already. All the stages everyone usually goes through through college and a little after, I've done and gotten over it during my high school years. I'm done with partying, drinking, and not having a care in the world. I guess I partly blame that on my mother. In her own odd way, she taught me responsibility at a young age and it's just stuck. Sure, I'm not as responsible as a 'real world adult', but I'm more responsible and mature than most people my age, and probably a little older than me. I still make wrong decisions and like to have fun every now and then, but for the most part, I'm ready for what the world has in store for me.
Back to blaming myself for everything. That's another thing I have a problem with, I blame myself for everything. I have a tendency to blame myself for whatever I need to to avoid an argument. In the end, I'm stuck with the blame while the other person gets the glory of being 'right'. That's one thing I like about myself though, I can admit when I'm wrong which I know many people who can't. I'll admit that I'm wrong and even say what I should've done and mean it. It really irks me when people say 'fine, its all my fault, everything is always my fault, i can't do anything right'. That isn't sincere at all and no one is ever trying to blame them for everything. Learn to accept you're wrong and life will go much smoother for you.
Ive been pretty busy lately. babysitting, friends, school and work. not much time for computer/home time.
ive been pretty confused lately, but then again, since when am i not? im always not sure about one thing or another and im pretty much used to it by now.
christmas is coming up, and i sure havent even started christmas shopping. ive gotten one thing for my mom, and nothing else. Again, haven't had time/money.
I can't say but so much about this boy. he's aboslutely perfect. ive spent everyday of pretty much this past week with him and i loved every minute of it. he makes me laugh. he makes me smile. he makes me feel amazing. he knows all the right things to say. he knows how to treat a girl. we can sit on his front porch without a worry in the world except what we're going to say next. he gives the cutest kisses. he's amazing. i'm the happiest ive ever been in a longggg time. <33
